It's A Wonderful Life

There have been times in my life where woe is me has been something I've said more than once.  As I've gotten older, it has become even more so.  I put on a good front and seem to most people that I have it all together and that nothing really bothers me, but I'm really good at internalizing things and keeping quiet.  I've always been the quiet one.  Inside though, it's pretty much an out of control mess.

In recent months, our family has been going through a pretty severe and stressful financial situation.  Right now, there is little light at the end of our tunnel.  It's a constant weighing pressure.  The internalizing has led to a bit of depression and probably certainly to my lowered immune system causing me to be sick and miss work more than I have probably in my entire life.  I am currently recovering from a bought of pneumonia.  Stress will make you sick.  It has effected our entire family. Some of us cope with it better than others.  My husband is a man of very strong faith.  Faith is not something I'm very good at, I tend to let reality rule me pushing faith to the back of my mind.

But being out of work this last week has allowed me to really have a look at my friends and followers on Facebook.  Somehow, when one is in the woe is me, they think that their situation is worse than anything.  They concentrate on the woe and not on the wonderful.  Until they take a good hard look around at other people's lives.

Right now, a friend has lost a job that they loved and were very good at and a job that helped provide for a family that includes many special needs children.  Another friend is battling stage 4 cancer.  Another friend has a brain tumor.  Another friend is estranged from their children, living alone, and sick.  Another friend, has a child who suffered a traumatic brain injury and everyday is a struggle of a magnitude I could never imagine.  Another friend, is battling drug addiction.  Another friend, is mired in a black depression.  Another friend, just lost their grandfather.  Another friend, lost a child.  Another friend lost their marriage.  Another friend's husband died.  There are friends who are treated badly everyday because of their color, their sexual orientation, their beliefs.  Other friends have just disappeared it seems because they are homeless.  The list goes on and on and on and some of the things are absolutely heartbreaking.

And here is me.  Yes, my situation is not fun and yes, it is stressful, but it is not woe is me.  I have been married for almost 25 years to a man who loves me even with all my failings.  I have 3 grown sons who I think still love me and who without I wouldn't be making it through this situation right now.  These sons are all healthy, hardly been sick much their whole lives and are all good men.  Right now, I have a home filled with 25 years of stuff. Right now, the utilities are on.  Right now, I made myself a cup of coffee. My 25 year collection of Christmas decorations are up.  I am getting over pneumonia and outside of that I'm fairly healthy.  I have closets full of clothes.  I have a good job.  In 5 days I will finish my Bachelor's Degree that I finished in 9 semesters.  I have been accepted into the Master's Degree program.  I have a paid for vehicle to drive that runs.  I have a few really good friends.  I did not wake up dead this morning nor did any of my loved ones.

Woe is me is an easy place to fall into.  It's a very difficult place to get out of.  Some time spent looking around though can offer a new look at life.  I am thankful I got sick enough to have the time to look around and realize, it's a wonderful life.

Rambling

As I haven't posted here in a while I thought I might ramble on a bit about various things.  Bits and pieces of things that run through my mind as I go through life.

Most people truly, deep down, do not care about other people.  If those people do not directly affect them they do not care about them plain and simple.  I see it everyday working in a high school and it is definitely not just the kids.  Words like hopeless, worthless, rotten, criminal, stupid, bad, dumb, loser are used on a regular basis.  Yes, dealing with high school kids is difficult in many instances.  Yes, some of them bring what happens on themselves through bad choices.  But if you believe they are hopeless, worthless, bad, dumb, losers then they will believe it too.  We become what people say we are if they say it to us enough.  People are selfish, rude, uncaring, jaded, stressed, tired and they just don't want to deal with other people's problems. Most of them cannot even deal with their own problems.  The very same kid who heard all those words is homeless, with no parents, the only food they get is at school, very few clothes, and has suffered physical and mental abuse.  But they are just worthless right?  Why not find out a little more about them before the words come out?  And many of these people claim to be Christians.

Stop posting fake news all over the Internet likes it's true.  Take 2 seconds to check it through sites like Snopes.com before you hit share.  Why make yourself look ridiculous by posting false and very often inflammatory things?  No, an entire town in Texas wasn't shut down because 5 people have Ebola.  No, the "alleged" cure for Ebola does not only work on White people because of the melanin in Black people's skin.  No, a Wal-Mart gift card or free iPhone or free X-box is not real.  Come on, two seconds to find out if it's real.  Stop it.

We have become a mass of shallow asses.  When what a Kardashian is doing, or if Lindsay Lohan is wearing underwear, or the next episode of Duck Dynasty is more important than character, or kindness, or love, we have devolved into mindless, heartless media whores.  What do you look for first online, what do you watch on TV most, what is the main topic of conversation with others?  I sincerely doubt it is anything worthwhile.  How do you spend your free time?  Doing something for others who who can do nothing for you?  Not hardly.  We are consumed by what someone who is just famous for being famous is doing every moment of the day that we cannot see someone who needs our help, our kindness, our love right in front of us.  Shallow asses.

So, can you find 5 minutes to find someone who can do nothing for you who needs some kind of help be it financial help, daily needs help such as clothes or food or toothpaste or a coat, someone who just needs someone to talk to that might actually care, a homeless kid who needs food...and don't just throw money at them...do something.  Take 5 minutes out of being selfish, stop posting fake Internet crap, bypass the latest "reality or famous person news" and do something for someone else without expecting anything in return.  Find your local homeless teen organization and go take some soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant.  Find your local women and children's shelter and take some things for both the moms and the kids.  You could change someone's life....even your own.

The Change

Just as the changing of the seasons, change comes to us all.  There is the change that comes without our control - growing older, outside forces, the infinite march of time.  There is the change that comes with our control - choices.  But change comes and we can either change with it or fight against it, this is also a choice.

For a few years now I've been going through THE CHANGE for women.  It has not been at all pleasant and there are days I wish my female parts would just fall out like so much dried leaves in fall but no such luck. The hormones rage, hot flashes, night sweats, still with PMS most months, sometimes weeks at a time, weepy one day, mad as hell the next at nothing and everything.  It is like riding a never ending roller coaster that offers nothing but stomach turning badness.

This is of course the normal course of things if you are a woman.  Every woman experiences it differently.  It starts at different times for every woman. It can go on for years and years or it can start and end in less than a year.  I know women who say they have had the hot flashes for 20 years.  TWENTY YEARS!  I am going on about my 4th year of this "process" and the thought of a possible 16 more is close to unbearable.  I pray I am not one of those women and I feel sorry for those who are.

This change brings with it not only physical changes, but hormonal and emotional changes as well.  My doctor has told me I still have quite a bit of estrogen going on so I keep a lot of the same "symptoms" as I had previously.  The good thing is I might not dry up and wrinkle as quickly as some others.  The bad thing I still have all the symptoms.

I decided not to take hormones firstly for the risk of breast cancer, which has a history in my family and secondly because of the headaches they give me.  I have tried all sorts of natural and home remedies.  Some have helped, some not so much.  In the end, I think it's just something you have to go through.  Yet another change.

Women seem to experience change more often than men and so it becomes part of their existence, but women can also be some of the biggest change fighters there are.  Women who don't change in their approach to relationships from how they were as teens to what they should be as women.  Women who don't change what they wear from when they were teens to what they are now as women.  Women who keep the cliques and petty gossip and backstabbing they had as high schoolers and keep going with it as women.  The women who have to have plastic surgery after plastic surgery in hopes of remaining the same as they were as teens.  The women who get stuck in a job or a relationship because they are just too afraid to change.

Change can be scary and change can be hard but change is the only way to grow.  All growth, physical, emotional, spiritual, results in change.  All choices result in change.  Not all change is good.  In the end, there is the change that comes regardless of you and the change that comes because of you.  Only you can decide how to confront it.

Stuck

Over the last few weeks I have talked to many people who are stuck.  They live their lives every day in the same way, never moving forward, and never happy.  Seemingly unable to remove themselves from whatever they are stuck in and constantly making everyone around them just as miserable as they have become.

I think there are several reasons why people who are stuck seem unable to remove themselves from the situations they are in.  Fear is probably the number one reason.  Depending on what they are stuck in the fear can manifest itself in many ways.  The fears are almost always either irrational or unjustifiable meaning they are fears created in their own minds but are truly nothing to be afraid of or they are fears that are just excuses and with sometimes even small effort can be overcome.  Some fears are real such as the fear of an abusive partner hurting them or their children if they try to leave, but even a fear as real and as great as this one can be overcome.  First though, a person must be willing to do whatever it takes to move forward.

Doubt is another reason people stay stuck.  They doubt themselves and their ability to be in a place outside of being stuck.  Similar to fear but doubt is a much more insidious creature.  It hovers always in the mind never allowing someone to truly see who they are and what they are capable of.

Comfort is one of the hardest things to overcome when stuck.  People who are stuck in jobs, relationships, etc. can become comfortable with the status quo.  They have an income, or a partner, or a place to live, food to eat, and if they try to move forward that comfort might be upset.  People do not like to be uncomfortable.  Or let me rephrase, people in 1st world countries do not like to be uncomfortable - they like their things far too much.

Misery loves company is another reason people remain stuck.  Some people who are miserable seek out others to make misery with or they just make others miserable.  It becomes who they are.  If they have to suffer so do you and so does everyone else.  They become unbearable work colleagues, or partners, or friends, or people in general.  Which of course makes them more miserable and they make more misery for others, a vicious circle that just keeps going around and around.

It is so much easier to complain than to do.  Doing requires effort.  Doing requires work.  Doing requires discomfort.  Doing requires discipline.  Doing requires movement.  Doing requires progress.  Doing is difficult and for some people they just cannot make themselves do what is required in order to stop living a stuck life.

Living stuck is a choice just like any other choice.  It does not matter where one is stuck or what the reason, the choice can be made to stop being stuck just as it was made to be stuck.  Depending on where one is stuck, the work to get out of the situation can be a fairly simple one or it can be a very difficult one.  Either way, the choice is there to be made every single moment of every single day.  Choose wisely.

Adjust Your Sails

Life is like an ever changing wind.  Some days the skies are blue and cloudless and the wind is calm.  Some days the skies are angry and black and the wind howls.  Life is pretty much the same.  No two days, no two moments are ever the same.   You must continually adjust your sails.

Each day we are confronted with new challenges, with new obstacles we did not expect, trials, joys, fears.  We never know what to expect upon waking.  Sure, we have a plan and if you're like me, you have several calendars and you think you have it all worked out.  Life doesn't follow a calendar I've come to find out.

Adjusting my sails is one of the hardest things for me.  I am not a roll with the punches kind of gal.  I live my life by my calendars.  I like routine.  I like control.  I do not like the unexpected.  I am not good with change. I have little patience for the unorganized.  It is hard for me to adjust my sails but I'm trying to learn.

I have honestly asked myself when watching someone who is very flexible, who has no calendar or makes no lists, who has a disorganized working environment, how do they live?  With everything I have going on, I think if I were not organized everything would be an utter failure.  I also don't do failure well.

To adjust your sails you must be able to realize that no matter what comes you can adjust and when the wind has stopped you will still be sailing.  We must be able to bend and turn, sway and stand.  Life isn't going to follow our calendar or our lists.  It isn't going to be easy or predictable.

Adjust your sails and you will never be blown away.

Connect With Deborah....

Every so often I post a "Connect with Deborah" blog or note so that people can connect with me all over the Internet and also buy my books if they want to :D  So here is one of those posts!  Feel free to connect with me....and buy my books if you want.....

ME

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NOVEL - MIMOSA

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The Whispered Heart Volume I  http://www.amazon.com/The-Whispered-Heart-Deborah-Horton/dp/1462639321/ref=sr_1_18?ie=UTF8&qid=1376261963&sr=8-18&keywords=Deborah+Horton
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(Also on iBookstore)
The Whispered Heart Volume IV  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-whispered-heart-volume-iv-deborah-horton/1112035762?ean=9781105810206
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Books For Sale!

I have the following college textbooks/books for sale.  I used these for classes at MSU-Billings however all but the statistics books can be used for any classes anywhere if required and some can even be used just to read.

If you are interested please send me an email at deborah1803 at gmail dot com  Thanks!!

Statistics - Second Custom Edition for Montana State University Billings  Like New $75.00 (includes never used CD)
Author MCCLAVE
Edition 2012
Published Date 2012
ISBN 9781256646433
Publisher PEARSON

100% Information Literacy Success  by Terry Taylor, PHDUsed Paperback $4.00

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Cengage Learning; 1 edition (April 17, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1418048186
• ISBN-13: 978-1418048181

The Story of Abelard's Adversities by JT Muckle Used Paperback $1.00

• Paperback: 80 pages
• Publisher: Pontifical Institute of Mediaeval Studies; Revised edition (January 1, 1964)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 088844253X
• ISBN-13: 978-0888442536

The Prince by Nicolo Machiavelli  Used Penguin Paperback $1.00

• Paperback: 144 pages
• Publisher: Penguin Classics; Oxford World's Classic Paperback edition (February 4, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0140449159
• ISBN-13: 978-0140449150

Sources of The Making of the West Peoples and Cultures: Volume II - Since 1500 by Katherine J. Lualdi  Paperback Used $3.00

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Bedford/St. Martin's; 3rd edition (February 20, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312465181
• ISBN-13: 978-0312465186

A Pocket Style Manual, Fifth Edition by Diana Hacker Paperback Used $1.00 

• Spiral-bound: 272 pages
• Publisher: Bedford/St. Martin's; 5th edition (April 27, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 031266480X
• ISBN-13: 978-0312664800

Life and Miracles of St. Benedict by Pope St. Gregory the Great Paperback Used FREE with other books if you want it!!

• Paperback: 87 pages
• Publisher: Liturgical Pr (December 1984)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0814603211
• ISBN-13: 978-0814603215

The Human Tradition In Modern Latin America by William H. Beezley, Judith Ewell Paperback Very Light Use $5.00

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers; 1st Published edition (September 1, 1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0842026134
• ISBN-13: 978-0842026130

The Massacre at El Mozote by Mark Danner Paperback Used $2.00

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Vintage; 1 edition (April 5, 1994)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 067975525X
• ISBN-13: 978-0679755258

Latin America and Its People, Volume 2 (1800 to Present) (2nd Edition) 2nd (second) Edition by Martin, Cheryl E., Wasserman, Mark published by Longman (2007) Paperback Used $2.00

Publication Date: March 4, 2007 | ISBN-10: 0205520502 | ISBN-13: 978-0205520503 | Edition: 2

Storm From The East: The Struggle between the Arab World and the Christian West by Milton Viorst Hardback Used $3.00

• Hardcover: 224 pages
• Publisher: Modern Library (April 18, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0679643303
• ISBN-13: 978-0679643302

Women and Politics in Latin America by Nikki Craske  Paperback  Used  $4.00 

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Rutgers University Press (March 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 9780813526935
• ISBN-13: 978-0813526935
• ASIN: 0813526930

Drinking the Sea at Gaza by Amira Hass Paperback  Used $2.00

• Paperback: 400 pages
• Publisher: Picador; 1st edition (June 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0805057404
• ISBN-13: 978-0805057409

Not What You Think

This weekend in Billings voters are contemplating passing two education levies.  One is for more teachers (to make sure student/teacher ratios are met in elementary schools for accreditation) and the second one is an elementary school technology levy.

Just like any other city or town in the US, many voters get the ballots and/or information in the mail and one of the first things they say is WHY?  Why do we need MORE money for schools when just last year or a few months ago, we just had levies for schools?  Why do we need more money for schools when our education system is said to be failing?  Why?

I could go on and on about the statistics and explain accreditation but this doesn't convince many people.  They think that these issues should be solved by the money we have or that the school systems waste so much money already, they shouldn't get anymore.

I have been on both sides of the levy fence.  First as a parent on three children in schools and now as someone who works in a high school.  The opinions I had formed as a parent have been mostly transformed by being someone who works there and sees what goes on in a high school on a daily basis.  Some of my opinions have not changed.  But there is one over riding thing I have come to realize and that is that almost ALL people who do not work in the school system have no idea what schools contend with on a daily basis....absolutely none.

Here are just a few things people may not have thought about who do not work for the school system.  Starting from the top, administration must deal with not only students but parents, local and state government, school boards, superintendents, police, parole officers, community organizations, businesses and residents who live around the schools on a daily basis.  The sheer volume of paperwork that is required by the state and federal government for admin, teachers, everyone and everything has to be documented and reported and justified.  Assistant principals are in charge of discipline, attendance issues, management of sections of the staff, school/curriculum projects and on and on.  They also must be mediator, counselor, disciplinarian, parent, teacher, manager of both the students and the staff.  Teachers have to not only teach but plan lessons months in advance, complete masses of paperwork, attend training and meetings, sponsor clubs and activities, counseling, staff relationships.  The interpersonal relationships in a school can be quite complex and reflect all the good and the bad of large groups of diverse people.  The drama is not only with the children.  These are just the surface things.

The issues with the children range from homelessness, to malnutrition, to abuse, to truancy, to depression, to suicide and all the way to the simplest of things like school supplies.  The student population ranges from the stable and well adjusted student to the student at risk from any number of things most people never even consider or know about.

Imagine what it is like to teach, to administer, to learn in all of these environments.  It is one of the hardest jobs there is and one where the naysayers outnumber the encouragers by massive numbers.

No, I am not saying the school system in the US is perfect, far from it.  But I know first hand that there is so much more involved with the education of children than anyone on the outside knows.  That in the end the schools are becoming more disciplinarian, provider of food and clothes, finder of shelter and safety, counselor, psychologist, teacher, and yes parent to many students.

So the next time you are called upon to vote on a school levy consider actually going to visit a school or talking to a teacher or some of the actual students before making your decision.  You just might find it is not what you think.

System Shock

Again today American's had a system shock.  When something so horrific happens that they are systemically shocked by it.  Newtown, 9-11, Fort Hood, Virginia Tech, Lone Star College and on the list goes.  American's feel the shock, the sadness, the helplessness of it all.  They question.  They grieve.  They pray.  The government wants to pass laws.  News reporting rushes ahead of the facts and even sometimes gets in the way of them.  Reality television takes on an entirely different meaning.

Other countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Libya, Israel must all look at our news and our reactions to it and wonder, why do we seemingly go overboard when something like this happens when in their countries it is an everyday....and EVERYDAY occurrence.  Why do we not rise up in shock and outrage when even our own American soldiers are killed in other countries?  Why do we not feel the same shock and grief when their people are killed in huge groups on a daily basis?

Those in Chicago who have lost loved ones surely must ask themselves, why is this event worse than the loss of my child, my father, my brother, my husband, my family member?  Last year, 2012, 507 people were killed in Chicago.  So far in 2013, there have been as best as I've been able to find, 85 people killed.  America is not outraged by this.

Perhaps it is because what happens in other countries even to our own soldiers doesn't happen here.  Perhaps it is because those soldiers are lost in the performance of their duties.  Perhaps some Americans believe those are acceptable losses.

Perhaps it is because the people in those other countries that are killed are not Americans.  Perhaps there are some Americans who believe those people should die.  Perhaps some Americans don't care if they do because they are not in this country.

The government and some Americans run directly to passing laws because of these system shocks.  Guns must be stopped.  The mentally ill must be controlled.  Though I haven't heard anyone saying we need to ban knives such as were used in the Texas college stabbing.  Guns kill everyone apparently.  Except today in Boston.

But what of those in Chicago?  What of the 2012 number of more than 1 person being killed a day.....being killed a day.  I see no system shock here.  Because they are spread out the system shock doesn't register.  And so no one stands up to demand justice or to ensure it.

These things are just not shocking enough.....sadly.  Peace and comfort for all those who have lost those they love.

Zombie College

In general, I like college, or should I say I like college courses.  I think they are worthwhile for the most part and I enjoy learning new things or learning more about things I already know.  I think getting a college degree is worthwhile.  I am not convinced that it's the ticket to a better or a higher paying job anymore but I do think it's worthwhile to get one.

But there is something I hate about college and that is that it is a total scam to get as much money from  you as possible.  For a 4 year degree you are required to take about 60 credit hours of courses that have absolutely NOTHING to do with your degree.  Many of these courses are upper level courses in whatever your "major" of choice is.  These credits are almost NEVER offered either on campus or online in hours outside of 8am to 3pm.  When they are offered in Summer, the colleges will offer about 1/3 of your normal financial aid thus preventing you from taking more than 2 classes at most, so you are unable to take these upper level classes in Summer.  And remember, you cannot get your degree without them.

Thus, students like myself who are returning to college after many years and who MUST work full time, then find themselves going to college for at least 2 years sometimes 3 years longer than what should be necessary.  By doing so, we pay tuition for each semester we go longer.  We get further into debt with loans.  We grow older every year and by the time we get the degree we are approaching retirement age.

It then begs the question, why bother.  Why go into massive debt with no guarantee of a better or better paying job?  Why keep taking classes that have nothing to do with your major course of study just to fill out credit hours?  Why keep paying for classes that take you further and further down the age line and no closer to your degree?

I find myself faced with this very dilemma and coming to the conclusion that college is a financial scam aimed at getting the most money possible out of every single student.  That it is not designed in any way for anything outside of the traditional go Fall and Spring semester, no summer semester, take the barest minimum required students who go for years and years taking class after class of meaningless material.  While the college makes money hand over fist.  And I haven't even mentioned the scam of college textbooks, but I have long since found work arounds for that particular scam.  The classes though, I haven't and it is becoming harder and harder to justify going at all.

I am 50 years old.  Since I cannot take more than 2 upper level classes or even 2 classes at all this summer, and I still need 30 credit hours of these upper level classes, which again I cannot take in Fall or Spring, making me have to go to college years just to get these classes.  Am I supposed to go to college until I'm dead and leave an enormous college loan bill behind?

College is a scam....they want to pretend to be institutions of higher learning and that a college degree can afford you a high paying better job...but what they are are zombies eating away your money and your life while you just keep going to college until you are dead....

Too Busy For Love

On Saturday, my husband and I were out shopping in between a movie and dinner plans.  We were in the store just picking up a couple of last minute things.  The store was very busy as you would expect.

As we were standing at the register to check out, we were talking about different things.  What else we needed to get.  What we were doing the rest of the holiday.  Not paying much attention to anything as we waited in line.  As we got to the check out, I noticed for one brief second a store employee taking away a cart that was in front of us.  It had supplies for Christmas dinner, a turkey and all that goes with it.  I didn't see a customer with it.  My husband said that there might have been some problem with the person's card.

In that moment, I was struck by several things.  One was that I realized that I was so caught up in my own plans and self that I didn't even notice that this person had an issue in front of us.  I had become so caught up in the trappings of Christmas that I was too busy to see something that Christmas is really all about.  The second thing was that we should pay for this person's groceries because THIS is what Christmas is about.  Love, sharing, caring for others, giving of yourself and your time and your money so that someone else feels loved.  By the time both of these things sunk in, the cart was gone, the person was no where to be seen and I was left feeling like I had missed an opportunity to share the real meaning of Christmas.

Too often, and not just at Christmas time, we get caught up in our own lives and business and forget that our greatest calling in this life is to share love with others.  To share that love with ALL others.  It is because we, as a people, have stopped sharing love that our society is in such chaos.  We are too busy.  We are too selfish. We only want to love those who are like us or those who we feel deserve it.  We exclude some from love because they are different.  Because they don't look like us, believe like us, live like us.

The true meaning of Christmas is that love is for ALL.  Perhaps if we all were to stop living our own lives for just a few minutes and found a way to love others, this world would be a completely different place.  We can't wait for someone else to do it.  We must do it within ourselves.  I do it, you do it, someone else does it and soon everyone is doing it.  It will change not only someone else's life but your own as well.

Take the time so that we are never too busy for love.

How Rude!

Over the past few years I have noticed a trend that seems to be growing every day and that trend is people being rude.  Manners, tact, kindness, decency have taken a back seat to rude, unthinking, mean, and generally low class behavior and not just among the young.

Working in a high school I get to see every possible kind of behavior one can imagine on a daily basis.  It is displayed in both staff and students.  Bad manners and rude behavior are not hard to spot because in general the people doing it WANT to be seen and heard.  It is almost as if people wear their rudeness as a badge of honor.  Can they out-rude everyone else and perhaps be noticed or better still end up on YouTube because as we all know that is the pinnacle of existence anymore.

I find that people who are rude all the time do it for a wide variety of reasons.  To be seen and heard.  To mask their own insecurity.  Because they believe it shows strength over others.  Because they haven't had anyone teach them any better.  Because they mimic what they see most.  Rude people tend to hang out with other rude people and befriend other rude people because those people aren't going to look down on what they say and do and they may even applaud it.  Rude adults usually take great offense at being told they are rude because they never believe that they are.

Years ago, children were raised with manners as part of their daily training.  They were expected to behave politely, kindly and with decency.  If they did not they faced the ire of the parents on the home front and in society they were shunned for it.  Now, as rude behavior is everywhere we look, it becomes "acceptable" or easy to overlook or to just say "well that's how things are."

If we want a more peaceful, a more kind, a more tolerant society then we have to get back to believing that rude behavior is wrong in all circumstances.  It is because we have allowed rude behavior such as name calling, gossip, unkindness, no tolerance, racism and a host of others that we find ourselves in a society where rude behavior is the norm and politeness, kindness, and decency when seen are shocking to our system.

Everyone is so afraid to hold people accountable for their behavior because everybody and everything has to be accepted and not judged and no offense taken. I think if more of us were to say to someone with rude behavior that's ugly, that's mean, that's unkind, that doesn't make you a good person, then perhaps we would start to see less of it.  And if we were to say something when we see goo behavior, perhaps we would see more of that too.

Greener Grass

I spent most of the day fighting a wicked head cold and watching movies.  Well watching one movie more than once.  Gone With the Wind playing all day and it caused me to make a few observations about life.

Scarlet O'Hara's main problem was that she always thought the grass was greener somewhere else.  Her "ideal" was always better in her mind than what she had right in front of her.  The life she imagined was always what she thought she wanted only to find out in the end that the life she truly wanted was hers all along she was just too blind to see it.  How like most of our lives that story is!

Most of us go through life always wanting something else rather than what we have.  Constantly finding fault with our situation, our lot in life.  Always thinking that if we just had more money, if we were prettier or more handsome, if we had bigger boobs or less fat, if we had this or that person in our lives or out of it, a bigger house, a nicer car, a different town.  Always the greener grass beckoning in every corner of our minds.  Never satisfied with where we are or with what we have or who we are with.

Even if we have a house to live in, car to drive, job to go to, healthy children, a partner who loves us....always we are seeking that something we think we are missing.  As if that one thing or things will make us complete.  That whatever it is is the thing we need, the thing we truly want.  There are even those of us who believe that we are truly unhappy without whatever it is.  In reality, we are unhappy because we choose to be unhappy with what we have.

It has been my experience that the grass is never greener in any situation.  It may look greener and shinier and prettier and better....but guess what it's still just the same grass you're standing on right now and guess what else, it comes with all kinds of other things that may not reside in your current patch of grass.  What if your supposed better job comes with a crappy boss.  What if your supposed better house comes with taxes you find hard to pay. What if your supposed better partner comes with all kinds of unseen baggage.  Nothing is ever what your mind makes it out to be.  The truth is always much different in the light of day outside of the "imagined" greenery.

At this time of Thanksgiving, perhaps we should reflect more on the grass on which we stand.  Perhaps we should look for what is good and green on our own grass patch before we try and find this imaginary greener grass.

Listen To Me

In a world of less and less actual face to face talking, I find that more and more all anyone wants is someone to listen to them.  Really listen.

It is becoming more and more obvious that people hold a lot in because really there's only so much you can say in a text message.  And a text message isn't going to convey all the emotion behind what you're saying I don't care how many emoticons you use.  However, as more and more of us use text to communicate so much more is lost in translation and even more goes unsaid and unheard.

I have learned while working in a high school that kids seem to be most affected by this as they use text much more than adults on average.  They use it for everything to communicate with everyone.  Their friends, their parents, their grandparents if they have them, everyone.  There is no actual speaking to someone face to face.  And many of them are crying out for someone to listen to them in other ways through actions and reactions.

A wonderful experiment would be to put down all electronic devices for a day and actually talk to people face to face, one on one and actually take the time to listen to the words.  Make an actual phone call to someone who lives far away.  Write a letter to an old friend or family member.  Speak to people.  I think it would change lives.

At school when a student comes to talk to me even to say hello, I always try to get them to say more by asking questions, opening up the dialogue.  I encourage them to speak to me....and I always try and take the time to listen.  If more of us did the same with our own friends, co-workers, and yes our very own families, we might find our relationships growing stronger, meaning more, helping someone in need.  Try it....speak and listen today.

Who You Are

Some people like to think that it's only teenagers that judge others based on looks, money, intelligence, clothes, cars, pick a category.  Some people think that only teenagers form cliques of like minded sheep.  Unfortunately, most adults do it as well.

Judging others is like a sport for some people.  They take what they think is how someone is supposed to be, live, do and transfer it to everyone else.  If other people don't fit their mold, then those people are belittled, shunned, talked about behind their backs, and treated absolutely horribly in a lot of cases.  These are grown people I'm talking about well over the age of a teenager some even into their 50s and beyond.

These people think that by pointing out the flaws in everyone else their own flaws become less noticeable.  There are even those who believe they have no flaws.  Most though I believe do it out of a huge sense of their own insecurities and thoughts about their own lives.

They attack those who are trying to better themselves saying that the person is too old to be trying to get a college degree.  Yes I've had it said about me.  They attack gay people.  They attack poor people.  They attack overweight people.  They attack just about everyone some of these people and they never think it's unkind or uncalled for.  Some even think they are helping people become better by pointing out their "flaws."

Judging someone else does not define who they are it defines who YOU are.  When we judge someone else for whatever reason it defines what lies truly within us.  Do we love others?  Do we treat others the way we want to be treated?  Or do we attack, condemn, gossip?  What we say and do about and towards others does not define who they are.  No, it defines who we are, who you are.

You cannot control what someone else says or does.  You cannot control the workplace gossip.  You cannot control the bigot, the hater, the envious, the mean.  There is only one person you can control and that is yourself. One person's mind, one person's tongue.  You have the power to define who you are.

Ripples

Let's say you feed someone today who is hungry.  Then that person, now no longer hungry, decides to not break into someone's house and rob them for things to sell for food.  Then the homeowner does not shoot the would be thief and take away a child's father and have to live with killing someone who was hungry for the rest of his life.  And on and on and on it goes.

In life everything ripples.  What you do and what you don't do.  It all has an effect.  Not just on your immediate space but out into the infinite.  The choices you make, the actions you take ripple out to affect every one else.  You may not see it.  You may not even think about it.  But it happens nevertheless.  It is a reaction to what you do, what you say, what you choose.

Most people only live in the right now.  They cannot see what happens in the future.  They cannot look out and watch the ripples of their actions as they move across time and space to reach countless others.  If they did and if they could, most people would make very different choices in life, take very different actions.  But for most their only concern is right now and what it will do or not do for them in that moment.  It is the way most humans are and have always been.  Is it any wonder why the ripples aren't so lovely a lot of the time?

On your very next choice today or your very next decision to action, think about what that decision is going to do outside of your very own ripple.  Consider for just one second that what you are saying, doing, choosing and how it is going to ripple out.

THINK
T= Is it true?
H= Is it helpful?
I= Is it inspiring?
N= Is it necessary?
K= Is it kind?

Just taking the time to THINK can make all the difference in your own ripple and the ripples of countless others you cannot even imagine.  What are your ripples going to be today?

A Helping Hand

I attended my first Billings Senior High school football game on Friday night and I was struck by several things while watching.  Surprisingly, some were football related and some were life related and at the end I realized, maybe football is a metaphor for life itself.

Coach Chris Murdock and his staff are doing a great job with the team so far this year.  It's a whole new situation for both he and the players and they all seem to be handling it very well.  The team is now 2-1 on the year and in both wins they have been convincingly strong. The game was exciting with the score being close at times and with some really big plays from both the offense and defense.  I can't wait for the next home game!

While watching the game I noticed that many of the players play both sides of the ball, offense and defense.  They are used in a multitude of ways and on a wide variety of plays.  There's a lot being thrown at them in those short minutes of the game and they have to be able to multi-task without error if they want to win the game.  Such is life as well.  So much is going on every minute of the day.  People are asked to do many things at one time and they are expected to do so without error with more and more being added to the plate at any given moment.  Football teaches both the players and the watchers that multi-tasking is just an expected part of life.

As I watched more of the game, I also noticed that sometimes a great play or player can go virtually unnoticed but it makes a big difference in the outcome.  As in life, sometimes in the background someone can do something or create something that makes a huge difference in how things work but it can go unnoticed by those it affects.  Does it make it any less worthy?  Of course not.  This teaches both the watchers and the players that sometimes you may not get credit for doing something good or right but it doesn't mean you shouldn't keep on doing it.  Doing what's right or good is never wrong even if no one sees or you never get that pat on the back.

The last thing and possibly the most important was a helping hand.  Football is a rough game.  You are going to take a lot of hard knocks.  More than once, however, I saw the player who did the tackling extend a hand to help up the one he had knocked down.  More than once, I saw the player who did the knocking pat the knocked down on the back as if to say, good job.  So it is in life.  It is a rough go every day, for some much more than others.  Constantly getting knocked down.  How wonderful is it when someone extends a helping hand? Just that little bit of helping you back up as if to say okay so you got knocked down, here I will help you get back up and this time I know you will not get knocked down again by the same thing.  What if everyone had a helping hand every day?  How much more successful would we all be as a result?

Football is like life in so many ways.  It teaches both the watchers and the players that things get difficult sometimes, that you get knocked down, that you may have to fight harder to win and that sometimes you lose, but in the end there's a helping hand to pick you up and help you start again.  I can't wait for the next game!

Walk A Mile

We have all heard the saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" probably more times than we can remember in our lives.  But how many of us have actually taken the time to do so BEFORE we make assumptions about the person? I would venture to say it's a very, very small percentage.

So quick most of us are to make assumptions about the people we see each and every day.  Most of us will move to a conclusion in a matter of nanoseconds about the why of what someone looks like or what they are doing before we ever think about the why from inside their shoes.

The guy on the corner with a sign asking for money or help.  What's your first assumption?  Is it that he really needs the money? Go ahead tell the truth to yourself right now.  For many of us, the assumption is that he's doing it to make money, like it's his job.  Or that he's doing it for money for drugs or alcohol.  Or that his life choices landed him there and he's responsible for his plight in life.  Or hundreds of other assumptions.  Do we stop to take his shoes and put them on and actually try and find out the truth of WHY?  Not likely.  Most of us will drive right on by.

The teenage girl who is pregnant.  What's your first assumption? Is it that she wanted to get pregnant on purpose? Is it that she chose not to use protection so she deserves the outcome? Is it that she must sleep around a lot and it was bound to happen? Is it because she wanted to hold on to a guy? Take her shoes and find out the truth of WHY.

The person on welfare.  What are your first thoughts?  That they are too lazy to work?  That they want the government and thereby you to support them?  That they buy cigarettes and alcohol and then the government (and you) pay for everything else? That they chose this life? Put your feet in their shoes and find out the truth of WHY.

Most of us make assumptions every day about others we encounter.  People we do not know at all.  Have never met.  Never talked to.  People that just pass by and we make judgments on their lives in a fleeting second based on our own beliefs, prejudices, bigotry, and yes hatred.  Most of us never take the time to slip out of our own comfortable existence to put on shoes that might not fit and find out the truth of the WHY and many of us who do this call ourselves Christians.  Many of us say the phrase, judge not lest ye be judged but we never, ever practice it in reality.  We never walk a mile or a minute or a microsecond in another's shoes before we assume.  How about today?

Word of the Year

My boss, an assistant principal in a high school, has put up a banner on which she would like all the staff to write their word of the year. Given that I LOVE words, picking one is extremely difficult.  Especially one to represent my whole year's "motto" as it were.

Several words come to mind as I contemplate what to write on the banner.  Compassion, inclusion, encouragement, guidance, goals.  There are probably a million more I could come up with.  A school year/work year encompasses so much.  There are about 1500 give or take students in the school.  They come from every possible background and environment that you can imagine.  Picking one word to include so many is a daunting task.

I find though that I am continually drawn to inclusion.  The school is all about inclusion.  In fact, out of the four high schools in our city, this one is far and away the most inclusive.  Yes, it has it's clique type things but they are far less obvious as students from across all kinds of environs and attitudes participate in many of the same activities and clubs.  There are the usual high school "types" of students.  You have your athletes, your smart kids, your upper, middle and lower incomes, those with housing and those without, the artsy, the musical, the quiet, the very loud, and on and on and on.  But they all mix well into a blended high school society of just kids who are just trying to get through high school and get a grip on life while their hormones are a raging fire.  It's not an easy time for many of them in so many ways.  Inclusion may be one of the first positive steps they've found on the journey and it could well be one of the most important for many of them.

So many teen problems either start or become magnified by the lack of inclusion.  The isolation of teenage awkwardness.  The feeling of being left out of everything.  Watching high school life from the sidelines.  Teens that feel included or even free enough to just be themselves, whatever self they think they are at 15 and 16, can be monumental in their chaotic, hormonal lives.  Something as small as a hello could significantly alter the course of one teen's life.

I think that it's true of everyone, not just teens.  No one wants to feel as if they are on the outside looking in.  Inclusion shouldn't end when you stop going to high school.  If more people practiced inclusion then there would be a lot less need for online dating.  If people were more open with their own circles they might find a lot of things they didn't expect and even some they've been looking for their whole lives.

Inclusion.....it's a good thing.  Give it a try today.  Say hi to someone you never have.  Ask someone to lunch  to get to know them better.  Write someone a note that you think deserves a pat on the back.  Join or start a club or activity.  Life is a circle....there's nothing that says your's can't be a little bigger.

What We Allow

This morning I had something happen that hurt my feelings.  Someone I work with was treated differently than I was and I allowed it to make me feel unappreciated and as if I was not being treated fairly.

If you read that sentence again, you will see the most important words in it - I allowed.  The way that we feel is all based on what we allow.  Be it through the actions of others or through our very own thoughts.  Phrases like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and "You are only as happy as you make up your mind to be" come to mind now that I've had a little while to think about what happened.

When we experience feelings of being treated differently, we really need to stop and analyze the situation. Is the difference in treatment real or perceived?  Sometimes it is truly real and we are being treated differently than someone else.  Sometimes it is a product of our own feelings of not belonging or inequality that we transfer those feelings onto the situation and thereby blame someone else for how we are feeling.

Practicing self-attribution may be one of the easiest ways to avoid the kinds of feelings I had this morning.  In self-attribution, we attribute feelings, thoughts, accomplishments, failures to our own actions rather than to the actions of others.  These are internal attributions.  "I am unhappy because I feel that I am not treated the same" or "I am unhappy because I think I was treated unfairly."  Not external attributions such as "I am unhappy because person X treated person Y differently than they did me" or "I am unhappy because person X said or did this."

If we are unhappy or have hurt feelings, a closer look as to the why and who are needed in order to assure that we are not ALLOWING something else or someone else to cause us to feel this way.  If we allow it, surely it is bound to come to pass.  If however, we refuse to allow something else or someone else to dictate our feelings, our happiness, our lives, the outcome will be much different.

All we can control in in our lives is our own lives.  Our responsibility lies within the confines of our own lives. We cannot control what someone else says or does.  We cannot control situations that are outside of our control.  Control is internal.  Attribution has to be internal.  "I am responsible for my happiness today" or "I am responsible for my feelings today."

Blame only takes away your ability to take control.  Take a step back, take a deep breath and then be sure of what you allow.