Word of the Year

My boss, an assistant principal in a high school, has put up a banner on which she would like all the staff to write their word of the year. Given that I LOVE words, picking one is extremely difficult.  Especially one to represent my whole year's "motto" as it were.

Several words come to mind as I contemplate what to write on the banner.  Compassion, inclusion, encouragement, guidance, goals.  There are probably a million more I could come up with.  A school year/work year encompasses so much.  There are about 1500 give or take students in the school.  They come from every possible background and environment that you can imagine.  Picking one word to include so many is a daunting task.

I find though that I am continually drawn to inclusion.  The school is all about inclusion.  In fact, out of the four high schools in our city, this one is far and away the most inclusive.  Yes, it has it's clique type things but they are far less obvious as students from across all kinds of environs and attitudes participate in many of the same activities and clubs.  There are the usual high school "types" of students.  You have your athletes, your smart kids, your upper, middle and lower incomes, those with housing and those without, the artsy, the musical, the quiet, the very loud, and on and on and on.  But they all mix well into a blended high school society of just kids who are just trying to get through high school and get a grip on life while their hormones are a raging fire.  It's not an easy time for many of them in so many ways.  Inclusion may be one of the first positive steps they've found on the journey and it could well be one of the most important for many of them.

So many teen problems either start or become magnified by the lack of inclusion.  The isolation of teenage awkwardness.  The feeling of being left out of everything.  Watching high school life from the sidelines.  Teens that feel included or even free enough to just be themselves, whatever self they think they are at 15 and 16, can be monumental in their chaotic, hormonal lives.  Something as small as a hello could significantly alter the course of one teen's life.

I think that it's true of everyone, not just teens.  No one wants to feel as if they are on the outside looking in.  Inclusion shouldn't end when you stop going to high school.  If more people practiced inclusion then there would be a lot less need for online dating.  If people were more open with their own circles they might find a lot of things they didn't expect and even some they've been looking for their whole lives.

Inclusion.....it's a good thing.  Give it a try today.  Say hi to someone you never have.  Ask someone to lunch  to get to know them better.  Write someone a note that you think deserves a pat on the back.  Join or start a club or activity.  Life is a circle....there's nothing that says your's can't be a little bigger.

What We Allow

This morning I had something happen that hurt my feelings.  Someone I work with was treated differently than I was and I allowed it to make me feel unappreciated and as if I was not being treated fairly.

If you read that sentence again, you will see the most important words in it - I allowed.  The way that we feel is all based on what we allow.  Be it through the actions of others or through our very own thoughts.  Phrases like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and "You are only as happy as you make up your mind to be" come to mind now that I've had a little while to think about what happened.

When we experience feelings of being treated differently, we really need to stop and analyze the situation. Is the difference in treatment real or perceived?  Sometimes it is truly real and we are being treated differently than someone else.  Sometimes it is a product of our own feelings of not belonging or inequality that we transfer those feelings onto the situation and thereby blame someone else for how we are feeling.

Practicing self-attribution may be one of the easiest ways to avoid the kinds of feelings I had this morning.  In self-attribution, we attribute feelings, thoughts, accomplishments, failures to our own actions rather than to the actions of others.  These are internal attributions.  "I am unhappy because I feel that I am not treated the same" or "I am unhappy because I think I was treated unfairly."  Not external attributions such as "I am unhappy because person X treated person Y differently than they did me" or "I am unhappy because person X said or did this."

If we are unhappy or have hurt feelings, a closer look as to the why and who are needed in order to assure that we are not ALLOWING something else or someone else to cause us to feel this way.  If we allow it, surely it is bound to come to pass.  If however, we refuse to allow something else or someone else to dictate our feelings, our happiness, our lives, the outcome will be much different.

All we can control in in our lives is our own lives.  Our responsibility lies within the confines of our own lives. We cannot control what someone else says or does.  We cannot control situations that are outside of our control.  Control is internal.  Attribution has to be internal.  "I am responsible for my happiness today" or "I am responsible for my feelings today."

Blame only takes away your ability to take control.  Take a step back, take a deep breath and then be sure of what you allow.