Monday, December 24, 2012

Too Busy For Love

On Saturday, my husband and I were out shopping in between a movie and dinner plans.  We were in the store just picking up a couple of last minute things.  The store was very busy as you would expect.

As we were standing at the register to check out, we were talking about different things.  What else we needed to get.  What we were doing the rest of the holiday.  Not paying much attention to anything as we waited in line.  As we got to the check out, I noticed for one brief second a store employee taking away a cart that was in front of us.  It had supplies for Christmas dinner, a turkey and all that goes with it.  I didn't see a customer with it.  My husband said that there might have been some problem with the person's card.

In that moment, I was struck by several things.  One was that I realized that I was so caught up in my own plans and self that I didn't even notice that this person had an issue in front of us.  I had become so caught up in the trappings of Christmas that I was too busy to see something that Christmas is really all about.  The second thing was that we should pay for this person's groceries because THIS is what Christmas is about.  Love, sharing, caring for others, giving of yourself and your time and your money so that someone else feels loved.  By the time both of these things sunk in, the cart was gone, the person was no where to be seen and I was left feeling like I had missed an opportunity to share the real meaning of Christmas.

Too often, and not just at Christmas time, we get caught up in our own lives and business and forget that our greatest calling in this life is to share love with others.  To share that love with ALL others.  It is because we, as a people, have stopped sharing love that our society is in such chaos.  We are too busy.  We are too selfish. We only want to love those who are like us or those who we feel deserve it.  We exclude some from love because they are different.  Because they don't look like us, believe like us, live like us.

The true meaning of Christmas is that love is for ALL.  Perhaps if we all were to stop living our own lives for just a few minutes and found a way to love others, this world would be a completely different place.  We can't wait for someone else to do it.  We must do it within ourselves.  I do it, you do it, someone else does it and soon everyone is doing it.  It will change not only someone else's life but your own as well.

Take the time so that we are never too busy for love.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

How Rude!

Over the past few years I have noticed a trend that seems to be growing every day and that trend is people being rude.  Manners, tact, kindness, decency have taken a back seat to rude, unthinking, mean, and generally low class behavior and not just among the young.

Working in a high school I get to see every possible kind of behavior one can imagine on a daily basis.  It is displayed in both staff and students.  Bad manners and rude behavior are not hard to spot because in general the people doing it WANT to be seen and heard.  It is almost as if people wear their rudeness as a badge of honor.  Can they out-rude everyone else and perhaps be noticed or better still end up on YouTube because as we all know that is the pinnacle of existence anymore.

I find that people who are rude all the time do it for a wide variety of reasons.  To be seen and heard.  To mask their own insecurity.  Because they believe it shows strength over others.  Because they haven't had anyone teach them any better.  Because they mimic what they see most.  Rude people tend to hang out with other rude people and befriend other rude people because those people aren't going to look down on what they say and do and they may even applaud it.  Rude adults usually take great offense at being told they are rude because they never believe that they are.

Years ago, children were raised with manners as part of their daily training.  They were expected to behave politely, kindly and with decency.  If they did not they faced the ire of the parents on the home front and in society they were shunned for it.  Now, as rude behavior is everywhere we look, it becomes "acceptable" or easy to overlook or to just say "well that's how things are."

If we want a more peaceful, a more kind, a more tolerant society then we have to get back to believing that rude behavior is wrong in all circumstances.  It is because we have allowed rude behavior such as name calling, gossip, unkindness, no tolerance, racism and a host of others that we find ourselves in a society where rude behavior is the norm and politeness, kindness, and decency when seen are shocking to our system.

Everyone is so afraid to hold people accountable for their behavior because everybody and everything has to be accepted and not judged and no offense taken. I think if more of us were to say to someone with rude behavior that's ugly, that's mean, that's unkind, that doesn't make you a good person, then perhaps we would start to see less of it.  And if we were to say something when we see goo behavior, perhaps we would see more of that too.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Greener Grass

I spent most of the day fighting a wicked head cold and watching movies.  Well watching one movie more than once.  Gone With the Wind playing all day and it caused me to make a few observations about life.

Scarlet O'Hara's main problem was that she always thought the grass was greener somewhere else.  Her "ideal" was always better in her mind than what she had right in front of her.  The life she imagined was always what she thought she wanted only to find out in the end that the life she truly wanted was hers all along she was just too blind to see it.  How like most of our lives that story is!

Most of us go through life always wanting something else rather than what we have.  Constantly finding fault with our situation, our lot in life.  Always thinking that if we just had more money, if we were prettier or more handsome, if we had bigger boobs or less fat, if we had this or that person in our lives or out of it, a bigger house, a nicer car, a different town.  Always the greener grass beckoning in every corner of our minds.  Never satisfied with where we are or with what we have or who we are with.

Even if we have a house to live in, car to drive, job to go to, healthy children, a partner who loves us....always we are seeking that something we think we are missing.  As if that one thing or things will make us complete.  That whatever it is is the thing we need, the thing we truly want.  There are even those of us who believe that we are truly unhappy without whatever it is.  In reality, we are unhappy because we choose to be unhappy with what we have.

It has been my experience that the grass is never greener in any situation.  It may look greener and shinier and prettier and better....but guess what it's still just the same grass you're standing on right now and guess what else, it comes with all kinds of other things that may not reside in your current patch of grass.  What if your supposed better job comes with a crappy boss.  What if your supposed better house comes with taxes you find hard to pay. What if your supposed better partner comes with all kinds of unseen baggage.  Nothing is ever what your mind makes it out to be.  The truth is always much different in the light of day outside of the "imagined" greenery.

At this time of Thanksgiving, perhaps we should reflect more on the grass on which we stand.  Perhaps we should look for what is good and green on our own grass patch before we try and find this imaginary greener grass.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Listen To Me

In a world of less and less actual face to face talking, I find that more and more all anyone wants is someone to listen to them.  Really listen.

It is becoming more and more obvious that people hold a lot in because really there's only so much you can say in a text message.  And a text message isn't going to convey all the emotion behind what you're saying I don't care how many emoticons you use.  However, as more and more of us use text to communicate so much more is lost in translation and even more goes unsaid and unheard.

I have learned while working in a high school that kids seem to be most affected by this as they use text much more than adults on average.  They use it for everything to communicate with everyone.  Their friends, their parents, their grandparents if they have them, everyone.  There is no actual speaking to someone face to face.  And many of them are crying out for someone to listen to them in other ways through actions and reactions.

A wonderful experiment would be to put down all electronic devices for a day and actually talk to people face to face, one on one and actually take the time to listen to the words.  Make an actual phone call to someone who lives far away.  Write a letter to an old friend or family member.  Speak to people.  I think it would change lives.

At school when a student comes to talk to me even to say hello, I always try to get them to say more by asking questions, opening up the dialogue.  I encourage them to speak to me....and I always try and take the time to listen.  If more of us did the same with our own friends, co-workers, and yes our very own families, we might find our relationships growing stronger, meaning more, helping someone in need.  Try it....speak and listen today.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Who You Are

Some people like to think that it's only teenagers that judge others based on looks, money, intelligence, clothes, cars, pick a category.  Some people think that only teenagers form cliques of like minded sheep.  Unfortunately, most adults do it as well.

Judging others is like a sport for some people.  They take what they think is how someone is supposed to be, live, do and transfer it to everyone else.  If other people don't fit their mold, then those people are belittled, shunned, talked about behind their backs, and treated absolutely horribly in a lot of cases.  These are grown people I'm talking about well over the age of a teenager some even into their 50s and beyond.

These people think that by pointing out the flaws in everyone else their own flaws become less noticeable.  There are even those who believe they have no flaws.  Most though I believe do it out of a huge sense of their own insecurities and thoughts about their own lives.

They attack those who are trying to better themselves saying that the person is too old to be trying to get a college degree.  Yes I've had it said about me.  They attack gay people.  They attack poor people.  They attack overweight people.  They attack just about everyone some of these people and they never think it's unkind or uncalled for.  Some even think they are helping people become better by pointing out their "flaws."

Judging someone else does not define who they are it defines who YOU are.  When we judge someone else for whatever reason it defines what lies truly within us.  Do we love others?  Do we treat others the way we want to be treated?  Or do we attack, condemn, gossip?  What we say and do about and towards others does not define who they are.  No, it defines who we are, who you are.

You cannot control what someone else says or does.  You cannot control the workplace gossip.  You cannot control the bigot, the hater, the envious, the mean.  There is only one person you can control and that is yourself. One person's mind, one person's tongue.  You have the power to define who you are.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ripples

Let's say you feed someone today who is hungry.  Then that person, now no longer hungry, decides to not break into someone's house and rob them for things to sell for food.  Then the homeowner does not shoot the would be thief and take away a child's father and have to live with killing someone who was hungry for the rest of his life.  And on and on and on it goes.

In life everything ripples.  What you do and what you don't do.  It all has an effect.  Not just on your immediate space but out into the infinite.  The choices you make, the actions you take ripple out to affect every one else.  You may not see it.  You may not even think about it.  But it happens nevertheless.  It is a reaction to what you do, what you say, what you choose.

Most people only live in the right now.  They cannot see what happens in the future.  They cannot look out and watch the ripples of their actions as they move across time and space to reach countless others.  If they did and if they could, most people would make very different choices in life, take very different actions.  But for most their only concern is right now and what it will do or not do for them in that moment.  It is the way most humans are and have always been.  Is it any wonder why the ripples aren't so lovely a lot of the time?

On your very next choice today or your very next decision to action, think about what that decision is going to do outside of your very own ripple.  Consider for just one second that what you are saying, doing, choosing and how it is going to ripple out.

THINK
T= Is it true?
H= Is it helpful?
I= Is it inspiring?
N= Is it necessary?
K= Is it kind?

Just taking the time to THINK can make all the difference in your own ripple and the ripples of countless others you cannot even imagine.  What are your ripples going to be today?

Monday, September 10, 2012

A Helping Hand

I attended my first Billings Senior High school football game on Friday night and I was struck by several things while watching.  Surprisingly, some were football related and some were life related and at the end I realized, maybe football is a metaphor for life itself.

Coach Chris Murdock and his staff are doing a great job with the team so far this year.  It's a whole new situation for both he and the players and they all seem to be handling it very well.  The team is now 2-1 on the year and in both wins they have been convincingly strong. The game was exciting with the score being close at times and with some really big plays from both the offense and defense.  I can't wait for the next home game!

While watching the game I noticed that many of the players play both sides of the ball, offense and defense.  They are used in a multitude of ways and on a wide variety of plays.  There's a lot being thrown at them in those short minutes of the game and they have to be able to multi-task without error if they want to win the game.  Such is life as well.  So much is going on every minute of the day.  People are asked to do many things at one time and they are expected to do so without error with more and more being added to the plate at any given moment.  Football teaches both the players and the watchers that multi-tasking is just an expected part of life.

As I watched more of the game, I also noticed that sometimes a great play or player can go virtually unnoticed but it makes a big difference in the outcome.  As in life, sometimes in the background someone can do something or create something that makes a huge difference in how things work but it can go unnoticed by those it affects.  Does it make it any less worthy?  Of course not.  This teaches both the watchers and the players that sometimes you may not get credit for doing something good or right but it doesn't mean you shouldn't keep on doing it.  Doing what's right or good is never wrong even if no one sees or you never get that pat on the back.

The last thing and possibly the most important was a helping hand.  Football is a rough game.  You are going to take a lot of hard knocks.  More than once, however, I saw the player who did the tackling extend a hand to help up the one he had knocked down.  More than once, I saw the player who did the knocking pat the knocked down on the back as if to say, good job.  So it is in life.  It is a rough go every day, for some much more than others.  Constantly getting knocked down.  How wonderful is it when someone extends a helping hand? Just that little bit of helping you back up as if to say okay so you got knocked down, here I will help you get back up and this time I know you will not get knocked down again by the same thing.  What if everyone had a helping hand every day?  How much more successful would we all be as a result?

Football is like life in so many ways.  It teaches both the watchers and the players that things get difficult sometimes, that you get knocked down, that you may have to fight harder to win and that sometimes you lose, but in the end there's a helping hand to pick you up and help you start again.  I can't wait for the next game!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Walk A Mile

We have all heard the saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" probably more times than we can remember in our lives.  But how many of us have actually taken the time to do so BEFORE we make assumptions about the person? I would venture to say it's a very, very small percentage.

So quick most of us are to make assumptions about the people we see each and every day.  Most of us will move to a conclusion in a matter of nanoseconds about the why of what someone looks like or what they are doing before we ever think about the why from inside their shoes.

The guy on the corner with a sign asking for money or help.  What's your first assumption?  Is it that he really needs the money? Go ahead tell the truth to yourself right now.  For many of us, the assumption is that he's doing it to make money, like it's his job.  Or that he's doing it for money for drugs or alcohol.  Or that his life choices landed him there and he's responsible for his plight in life.  Or hundreds of other assumptions.  Do we stop to take his shoes and put them on and actually try and find out the truth of WHY?  Not likely.  Most of us will drive right on by.

The teenage girl who is pregnant.  What's your first assumption? Is it that she wanted to get pregnant on purpose? Is it that she chose not to use protection so she deserves the outcome? Is it that she must sleep around a lot and it was bound to happen? Is it because she wanted to hold on to a guy? Take her shoes and find out the truth of WHY.

The person on welfare.  What are your first thoughts?  That they are too lazy to work?  That they want the government and thereby you to support them?  That they buy cigarettes and alcohol and then the government (and you) pay for everything else? That they chose this life? Put your feet in their shoes and find out the truth of WHY.

Most of us make assumptions every day about others we encounter.  People we do not know at all.  Have never met.  Never talked to.  People that just pass by and we make judgments on their lives in a fleeting second based on our own beliefs, prejudices, bigotry, and yes hatred.  Most of us never take the time to slip out of our own comfortable existence to put on shoes that might not fit and find out the truth of the WHY and many of us who do this call ourselves Christians.  Many of us say the phrase, judge not lest ye be judged but we never, ever practice it in reality.  We never walk a mile or a minute or a microsecond in another's shoes before we assume.  How about today?

Friday, August 24, 2012

Word of the Year

My boss, an assistant principal in a high school, has put up a banner on which she would like all the staff to write their word of the year. Given that I LOVE words, picking one is extremely difficult.  Especially one to represent my whole year's "motto" as it were.

Several words come to mind as I contemplate what to write on the banner.  Compassion, inclusion, encouragement, guidance, goals.  There are probably a million more I could come up with.  A school year/work year encompasses so much.  There are about 1500 give or take students in the school.  They come from every possible background and environment that you can imagine.  Picking one word to include so many is a daunting task.

I find though that I am continually drawn to inclusion.  The school is all about inclusion.  In fact, out of the four high schools in our city, this one is far and away the most inclusive.  Yes, it has it's clique type things but they are far less obvious as students from across all kinds of environs and attitudes participate in many of the same activities and clubs.  There are the usual high school "types" of students.  You have your athletes, your smart kids, your upper, middle and lower incomes, those with housing and those without, the artsy, the musical, the quiet, the very loud, and on and on and on.  But they all mix well into a blended high school society of just kids who are just trying to get through high school and get a grip on life while their hormones are a raging fire.  It's not an easy time for many of them in so many ways.  Inclusion may be one of the first positive steps they've found on the journey and it could well be one of the most important for many of them.

So many teen problems either start or become magnified by the lack of inclusion.  The isolation of teenage awkwardness.  The feeling of being left out of everything.  Watching high school life from the sidelines.  Teens that feel included or even free enough to just be themselves, whatever self they think they are at 15 and 16, can be monumental in their chaotic, hormonal lives.  Something as small as a hello could significantly alter the course of one teen's life.

I think that it's true of everyone, not just teens.  No one wants to feel as if they are on the outside looking in.  Inclusion shouldn't end when you stop going to high school.  If more people practiced inclusion then there would be a lot less need for online dating.  If people were more open with their own circles they might find a lot of things they didn't expect and even some they've been looking for their whole lives.

Inclusion.....it's a good thing.  Give it a try today.  Say hi to someone you never have.  Ask someone to lunch  to get to know them better.  Write someone a note that you think deserves a pat on the back.  Join or start a club or activity.  Life is a circle....there's nothing that says your's can't be a little bigger.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

What We Allow

This morning I had something happen that hurt my feelings.  Someone I work with was treated differently than I was and I allowed it to make me feel unappreciated and as if I was not being treated fairly.

If you read that sentence again, you will see the most important words in it - I allowed.  The way that we feel is all based on what we allow.  Be it through the actions of others or through our very own thoughts.  Phrases like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and "You are only as happy as you make up your mind to be" come to mind now that I've had a little while to think about what happened.

When we experience feelings of being treated differently, we really need to stop and analyze the situation. Is the difference in treatment real or perceived?  Sometimes it is truly real and we are being treated differently than someone else.  Sometimes it is a product of our own feelings of not belonging or inequality that we transfer those feelings onto the situation and thereby blame someone else for how we are feeling.

Practicing self-attribution may be one of the easiest ways to avoid the kinds of feelings I had this morning.  In self-attribution, we attribute feelings, thoughts, accomplishments, failures to our own actions rather than to the actions of others.  These are internal attributions.  "I am unhappy because I feel that I am not treated the same" or "I am unhappy because I think I was treated unfairly."  Not external attributions such as "I am unhappy because person X treated person Y differently than they did me" or "I am unhappy because person X said or did this."

If we are unhappy or have hurt feelings, a closer look as to the why and who are needed in order to assure that we are not ALLOWING something else or someone else to cause us to feel this way.  If we allow it, surely it is bound to come to pass.  If however, we refuse to allow something else or someone else to dictate our feelings, our happiness, our lives, the outcome will be much different.

All we can control in in our lives is our own lives.  Our responsibility lies within the confines of our own lives. We cannot control what someone else says or does.  We cannot control situations that are outside of our control.  Control is internal.  Attribution has to be internal.  "I am responsible for my happiness today" or "I am responsible for my feelings today."

Blame only takes away your ability to take control.  Take a step back, take a deep breath and then be sure of what you allow.